The Price to be Perfect

If the title sounds deep, well, it's not, hehehe... Starting today, Anne probably would not be as communicative. Some of you probably breathe a sigh of relief. The reason... I started to wear braces today. Yup, the doctor just put the anchor in today and it hurts really really bad. And by Tuesday, there will be bling bling on my teeth. Not diamonds, but those metals. Yup I'm definitely a late bloomer.

How am I going to enjoy the birthday party tomorrow? I don't even think I can make it to the BBQ party tonight with my ex-colleagues.

HAIZ...

The Starfish Story

I'm just going to blog about this little short story replacing what I wrote this morning...

I hope this can be a blessing...

As an old man walked the beach at dawn,

he noticed a boy ahead of him picking up

starfish and flinging them into the sea.

Finally catching up with the boy,

he asked why he was doing this.

The answer was that the stranded starfish would

die if left until the morning sun.

"But the beach goes on for miles and there are

millions of starfish," said the old man.

"How can your effort make any difference?"

The boy looked at the starfish in his hand

and then threw it safely to the waves.

"It makes a difference to this one," he said.

Often we're tired and wanted to give up. But to be a blessing is priceless... one person at a time...

And I re-quote what Pastor Andreas of MDC and Pastor Kong of CHC said: "People don't care how much you know, untill they know how much you care."

Much Ado About NOTHING

I'm glad that Shakespeare was brilliant enough to ink that sentence, so that I can just plagiarize it for my own good... Or I'll be speechless as what I should put as my title for this blog.

I have been blessed by many people since I came to Singapore, but it seems that certain things are... well, it's getting old.

Personally, I am timid, lack in self control, weak in the flesh, emotional, lacking in PR skills, don't like confrontations, and as much as my little walk in faith, I am fallible. I can only claim everything to God and let Him be the judge.

But when I saw people surround me starting to attack each other, I realized something else. Something has succeeded in making a group of young people who are eager to serve God fall into pieces. Yes people are different and flesh is weak. And I felt as though now this something is happy about the situation.

I found a quote from a movie "Bicentennial Man": What's right for most people in most situations isn't right for everyone in every situation. For some reason I feel it connects with the Parable of the Sower on Matthew 13. How do you view your own heart? Do you treat others as God would want you to? And is that heart (yours or others) a ready soil to plant the Word of God? Is your own conduct can bless other people? Are they really blessed or you're just imagining it? Are you the sower who is careful as to where to throw those seeds, or just blindly throw them according to your will? Or are you the birds, the stones, the thorns... etc. Please people... adjust it accordingly.

I got hurt a lot when even my parent uses God and the Bible to point finger of condemnation at me. Luckily God was too stubborn to let me go, and hence I never bitter at Him. But is this what we will ended up with? Using God's word as a way to attack one another? I thought the word of God are tools to bless people, especially our fellow brothers and sisters? Are we building each other or plundering each other? Are we understanding the word of God for our own purposes? "Hearing you will hear and shall not understand, and seeing you will see and not perceive; for the heart of this people has grown dull." Isaiah 6:9

It hurts me too when people I cared about start to hurt each other. I don't want to side with anybody, and my struggles (my importants and not importants) are different from everybody. So I can't judge why people behaved and acted a certain way. And yet, if we choose to bicker just so that people will see our way, when will it end? Wait until we become NOTHING as well? "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand." Matthew 12: 25b

The reason I was not rooted at another church (after my first church fall apart) the last several years in US was because something like this too. I saw the ability of people who called themselves as Christians hurting one another, and then other people... the hypocrisy of it all. I'd rather bless people as much as possible and slowly letting them know that I am a part of God's children, rather than announcing to the whole world who I am but yet not behaving like one. I am not ashamed of the Gospel, but I don't want the Gospel to be ashamed of me too. It's not an easy task to do.

Just like a quote in my old post... The quote that I've got from both Pastor Andreas of MDC and Pastor Kong of CHC: "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Another one from Proverbs 18:24 (NKJV), "A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

But the title of this blog is description on how I feel.

Curtain Call

So here I am... Finally gain back my freedom. My last day at work draw to a close today. I practically dragged the till today just to end it. I thought I would drop everything on Monday, and yet I stayed until today (Saturday). But I was actually having a good time, although I kind of helping my colleagues doing some cleaning up labor.

Things that I noticed and what I learned from the whole thing. Sometimes people don't appreciate a good thing when it's presented to them and taking it for granted until too late.

I thought that I would say goodbye to some of my clients since I won't be rendering my services to them anymore. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I was sending invitation to dinner to the UOB Asset Management kids. My senior told me about the company's culture to invite clients to dinner, hence I enthusiastically done so. They're nice kids, made some of my tiring nights a bit bearable. However none replied back. The ones that replied were because they're out of the office and it's an automated reply. Very nice indeed. So this time, I was telling them goodbye plus reminding them about the invites, and not expecting any replies, although I was not surprised when practically all of them replied back to me. I was touched when they offered their well wishes to me. And some told me that they regretted because they won't be able to 'see' me in person, since I won't be there at the dinner.

I'm not saying that they're missing out seeing me, but why wait until a "dramatic" incident happen before they responded to a dinner invitation.

But I left with a good feeling too. I bought some food and drinks for my colleagues. Although there's no going away party, people are stopping by and talked to me, but they didn't really brought up the fact that I'm not going to be there anymore. For once that place feels like home. Everybody was calm and actually had a good time working. A colleague told me that I will be missed because I'm one of the friendliest in the company. Some asked for a way to keep in touch with me. And these are the ones who I don't communicate everyday. They just felt assured to see me sitting at my spot and be around them. Ironically they asked for my name cards, which starting this coming Monday most of the infos on it will be invalid (From all the 18 boxes of my name cards, only 3 ever went to clients. The rest went to my friends, hehehe...). I'm glad that in my short period of me being there, I could be a blessing for some people. Things like these are the ones that made me feel sad to leave the company. I wished that I have the energy to handle the job and I would've stayed on longer.

In a way, I can appreciate how Jesus felt when He fed the 5000. I only fed not even 1 percent of the people that Jesus served and I can feel blessed too. Being a blessing is a good feeling.

Closing Time

I came to the office today. It's an Easter Sunday and the office was empty, altho there're still a lot of commotion on the basement because the production people were working. Not me... The office was peaceful, quiet and dark. For once it looks as though the office was a promising place once again. But of course in reality it isn't so.

Enough is enough.

It's just so sad that I only lasted about 6 weeks in that place. In a way this place had granted my PR status. But is my health the price to pay for it? Lately I'm hanging by a thread and it's getting very thin everyday. I can even take it physically. It's not about whether I like the job or not, but it's eating me alive. The pay was not up to par to what we have to do. The word exploit... as Ai Pei said... rang loud and clear. Most the people who worked in the office are Filipinos, Chinese, Malaysians or Indians... There's only a few Singaporeans, and considering this is a Singaporean company... errr yeah.

People who work in this office want to be able to stay in Singapore. And the price to pay is really high. No wonder not a lot of Singaporeans want to do this. I came in with 3 other girls. One Filipino, 2 Singaporeans and myself. Guess what? The 2 Singaporeans already gone from the office now. One lasted for a couple of weeks, the other one, a bit short of one month. The Filipino doesn't really have a choice but to stay and be a trooper or she'll be out of the country. I got one more Singaporean girl who join us about 2 weeks. And last Saturday she also talked to me about quitting. I'm staying in the office also because I felt bad for my colleagues. Tho I don't think I'm much of a help either.

I am counting my blessing that God is giving me the luxury to get my PR status granted so fast.

Now... my struggle would be whether I'm willing to loose all my commisions if the company decided to cheat me out of my rights. To some of you it may not be a lot of money. But to me, it's my sweat, blood and tears, no matter how small is that amount. My colleague said the company did not pay commision every month, but whenever they feel like it. And you better keep tab on what you've earned or they'll cheat you silly. And from what I hear, they only pay about once every 3 months. Am I willing to risk not getting it? Money is important, but is it worth my health, my sanity, my soul? I don't have a lot of time too.

My grandma told me that I'm not a pauper that I have to slave for that amount of money. But on the other hand, it's what I've earned. I've tasted my first taste of greed. Money. Will I be a slave to money? I know that in a way God will repay me back of everything I've earned and everything that I've done. But the devil is attacking my conscience by telling me that I didn't do enough to deserve God's attention.

I can only claim everything to my God as I read Psalm 35 today...

As I walked home from the office, I got teary eyed. I felt defeated, although in a way I know that God have taken care of me, by having my colleague backed me up. But now, I felt bad for my colleague. This battle is not my own. God only knows.

I SMSed my aunt in Portland... wishing her Happy Birthday. I wish I can say happier things to her than "I quit..." news. I really missed having her around...

Happy easter...

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"

....or in this case by Anne... To all of you SNL (Saturday Night Life) fan ol’ timers, you might know the Jack Handey bit. It’s basically some random character who acclaims his thoughts to be deep. Of course if you know the show at all, they’re all just silly comments. Well, I wanna do that kind of format for this posting.

Deep thoughts #1
Do you know that I forgot my login name for my own blog? This blog. Hehehe… I remember the password but not the login name. That’s a first. I must be “that” burned out :P I have to go thru the whole "remind me again, please" routine, hehehe. What's my name? Hahaha

Deep thought #2
I think the company that I work with is hacking thru my personal e-mail account; somebody that works there. Why would somebody do that? So unethical. So if you are the person who’s got nothing better to do than checking out my e-mails and which sites I’ve been going thru... Read this… “YOU AIN’T GOT NO LIFE!” *Ahem*… *Calming down* Perhaps because I came from the quiet and laidback town called Portland, I’m letting my guard down. (Hehehe, considering Portland is housing INTEL Inc. :P)

Deep thought #3
Do you ever ended up staring at someone not because he/ she’s handsome or beautiful but the other way around? I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I thought this girl looked ‘unique’. She has two very small eyes, thick glasses, small nose and … whatever… I won’t say the rest. But to me she just look so unique, made me look at her several times, because although she’s not pretty at all, her face was proportionate, tho I think some parts need to be fixed really bad. It’s not a scar, it’s something fixable and don’t need plastic surgery.

Deep thought # 4
I had a “wedding” dream last night. I was being fitted for my wedding gown. I don’t want to interpret it as anything, but the good things of course, hehehe… Well, not sure about whom am I marrying, which kinda sucks, hehehe… but someone was there. Don’t know what his role yet tho. Hehehe…And of course this was not my first wedding dream or the likes, but in my previous dream… long time ago, his name was my groom’s name. But since that dream, I encountered quite a bit with that name, so it’s like… whatever, hehehe… and here back in Asia, encountered some more… haiz… I don’t want to get stuck with a name tho…

Deep thought # 5
Has the connection with the above topic, I think because of this I dream what I dreamt. I saw a pretty white dress on Zara yesterday as I went shopping with Ai Pei, Edmond and Bernard. It’s a semi formal, not some cocktail dress. I want to wear my party dress, but Andrea wants people to wear white for her wedding… My whites only belong to my shirts and office clothes. None of my party dress is white. It’s not very flattering you see. Makes you look big in the wrong places. But I may buy that dress for Andrea’s wedding after all. It’s still wearable for other functions. Tho I still think it’s a bit too expensive. It’s S$145… about US$90. Dude… that’s muy expensive-o, hehehe. I probably can score a dress like that at Limited for about US$75. Or the GAP (they probably only cost US$65 here)… Or Banana Republic… *sigh* missed those stores. Yeah, I’m still converting things to US$.

Deep thought # 6
I cried watching Narnia DVD yesterday. When Aslan died. I know that the story based on the Bible and it hit my heart about the sacrifice that Jesus had made for me. Yup, I’m simple that way. I didn’t cry when I watched Passion… or perhaps I did. But I found things that didn’t really work with me on Passion (maybe my expectations were way too high and I didn’t think the movie delivered), and for Narnia, it’s easier to digest, because everything is in a “parable” rather than interpretation (tho the acting not as good as Passion)

Deep thought # 7
This person can make me happy or sad. Lately more sad. Maybe I’m just tired :P

Deep thought # 8
I’ve become a zombie lately that even Jay and Ai Pei commented about the dark circles under my eyes. And when my friends like Dee, Emily, Jon and Edmond started helping me to look for another job… it’s that bad, hahahaha… Dude, I forgot my login name. Harharhahahaha...

Deep thought # 9
I have a burden for one of my colleagues. She reminded me of the people that I left in US, the ones that supposedly I ministered. She’s a nice person and often asked about my well being, where I should’ve been doing what she’s doing. I felt helpless sometimes. Being a Christian and actually show it is hard… I keep her in my prayer for now.

OK that’s it for now… got to re-submit my resume to the internet…