The Daily Bread Connection

I must admit, that I was slackening lately. I realized more and more that I really got to learn how to manage my time. As busy as I was in this job, as I said before, it’s not as heavy as before. And yet, the cycle continues. My mind is cluttered with other people's souls and with it, God’s voice becomes dimmer and dimmer.

Last Sunday, as I was getting ready to go to church, the drama of my business life drew clouds on the sunny day. I was running late per usual, and I thought perhaps, my dad would be able to drop me to church. I saw him sitting on the living room reading newspaper. I asked nicely, and he gruffly said that he couldn’t, because he’s too tired. Now, if you know how my dad speaks, you would know how sometimes it hurts my feelings.

So I just walked away, thanking him and thinking perhaps this time is not the time for me to come early to church. My fault of course. I walked to the taxi stop in front of my condo. As my mood is turning sadder and sadder, a song came to mind. A friend told me on the previous night that I lost the joy. I thought he has a point there. And just like armed with an iPod, I started humming, "I got the joy… I got the peace of mind. Got the faith in the Holy Ghost that fills me everyday, I got the life… I got the melody… I got the word the Word of God, that sets me free…" I couldn’t even remember what goes before those lyrics, but it keep on replaying in my mind like a broken record.

There’s a guy waiting there and the look on the street was not very promising. No taxi around. The song kept on playing in my head. As I was contemplating of waiting for the taxi or waling toward the bus stop for a longer ride, another small still voice came to me… "Keep walking…" It’s soft and yet it’s as clear as though somebody is talking to me directly. I followed that voice. Perhaps God wanted me to do some quiet time on my bus journey.
Then I saw a taxi driving close to me. I didn’t flag him, because I know that the guy on the taxi stand wouldn’t be too happy. It’s tempting, but I let it go. Then another taxi came, this time I flagged it. The journey was nothing special, and I don’t think much about it until I saw a Daily Bread’s back cover on the driver’s dashboard. I asked him, "Are you a Christian too, uncle?" He was surprised a bit and started to look around his car, anything that would trigger my questioning. He didn’t put up anything that would show his faith. He said yes and he said, "How do you know?" I told him, "I saw your Daily Bread". We ended up talking about Christianity a bit and I don’t know about you, but being with another Christian giving you a sense of peace… and joy. The things that God do to make you happier. We blessed each other at the end of the ride.

You may think my experience is just some meaningless random chance, but I believe that there’s no such thing as coincidence in what happened to me that moment. I came to church with a happier disposition.

Where to go?

I guess the honeymoon period is over. I wonder what sort of person I am sometimes. Can I tackle all these things and see it through? I have a tendency to want to please people. And the sucky thing about it was, you can't do that without your own sanity being compromised. Often I wonder, am I suited in this part of the world?

I must admit that because of the new level of busy-ness in my life, my devotional time got cut short. It only left with short prayers here and there, because everything else being absorbed into doing, what's amounting to be nothing. I can't complain about my current company, because compared to the previous one, this one is very "walk in the park". Hence, it makes me wonder, do I fit in this lifestyle?

So far I felt like I botched all the deals with the nice clients, while not having a good time with the mean ones. And I'm afraid of facing these people. I felt as though I'm failing them. And I tend to hide and run away from all these.

I know that I'm not mediocre, but I'm handicapped in reading situations, and I got too many warning bells ringing on my brains, and sometimes because of fatigue, I missed the small things. And that small things, like the virus, became malignant.

I missed those days where I can just take a deep breath and see the mountains with their pine trees and cool weather. I missed the smell of the fresh air, and slightly misted-dew dropped ground. So peaceful there. Maybe that's why when I was looking around for houses with Jon, I always attracted with the ones that have many trees. I'm still an Oregonian at heart. I need my 'hashis'... Joking.

My current boss, who is leaving the company in late March, gave me a prediction, that I will be leaving the company by the end of the year. In a way, I read it as a challenge whether I'm going to stick it long enough to stay, or he's just being honest. Truthfully, if I have my way, I would like to continue my dream as a designer. Even as I serviced my clients right now, I can't help but feel that I'm being enclosed. Entrapped by the lack of EQ that I felt of gaining since I dealt with so many weird souls. All I need to understand now is that I can't be too nice to people or they will take advantage of you. Yes, you're giving them good service, but you must be able to be mean to them if you have to. I've been nice to the wrong crowds.

I'm by all means, lack of pretentions, I'm the way I am, I can't keep my emotions hidden, I don't play politics, and I'm nice when you are too. I'm fragile with my feelings. I'm educated and clever in learned things and yet I'm simple and not smart with reality. Sometimes I wonder what's the importance of education when they're not teaching you how to deal with people, which is the most essential thing? People is the most complicated puzzle I ever met. Who can I trust now, when my own self confidence is hanging on a thin line?

Where to go from here?