Bouts of expressions...

Today was not really my day. For personal reasons... I woke up late, because my handphone didn't record the correct alarm for some reason. Luckily I made it to office pretty much on time. And then another glitch came to my consciousness... Again I left my cell phone. I was supposed to help my colleague with things and she couldn't even contact me. And then I thought... Oh no, I will miss an SMS from somebody.

I tried to communicate with several clients, most of them could not make my day brighter with their replies. And so I struggled to keep things light. I wore the wrong clothings today. I just found out that my boss dislike jeans, no matter if it's a Friday. Other departments can wear jeans, but us. He didn't say anything, but my colleagues warned me about that... Again I felt like a failure. Don't get me wrong, this is my very first time wearing jeans as long as I joined them.

The only highlight of the day was my appointment with one of my clients today. They may not buy things from me yet, but they're treating me like a regular already. But the way of 'happiness' must come with a price. My client would like to preview items from our company. And boy oh boy, how heavy they were. Probably about 6 kgs total. I ran out of cash, no cell phone and so I have to take a long time just to get into a taxi. I took money first by crossing over the pedestrian bridge in the rain, wearing slippery heals. Thank God I was OK the whole time. And then I came back to the office to pick up the heavy items and go search for a taxi. A taxi stopped by in front of my office and I was being grateful too soon. As I shove the heavy items inside the taxi and ready to be taken to my destination, the taxi driver said that he doesn't know how to get there. Errrr... first of all, my destination is not some small road in the middle of Jurong. My destination was Raffles Place! The major office hub in the middle of the city. Second of all, how can he be a cab driver if he couldn't take pretty much half of the working adults in Singapore to their workplace? So I guess, God wanted me to be patience. Either he really didn't know, or he just don't feel like going there. Instead of scolding him, I took my heavy bags out slowly and let the taxi go. The good thing was that the rain was only a very light shower so I don't have to get wet, since I couldn't carry an umbrella if I wanted to anyway. I had to balanced my way through the slippery road with 2 heavy bags left and right and my office bag on my right shoulder (I have to be very descriptive... a way to vent myself, I guess). Nobody offered to help me, and I don't want to ask any of my colleagues, since, well, they also have things to do anyway, and I would like to settle this matter myself. This account is mine.

I finally got a taxi who's willing to take me to Raffles place. He dropped me in an awkward location, not close enough for my aching arms but close enough to manage. It's the closest he can drop me I guess. Oh well. Infront of the receptionist, the lady that I was pretty much talked to yesterday didn't remember me, or at least pretend not to remember me, although yesterday she was spending a good several minutes to write down my name and asked questions. She was asking me the same rounds of questions like the day before until I told her that I was here the day before. And although she saw how heavy my bags were, she didn't offer any help me to pass the magnetic counter, where I have to lift my hand (which doubles as a bag lifter) to tap the card to be able to enter and pretty much ignoring me. Maybe that's why she's only the entrance receptionist. Pardon my curtness.

Then the good things... I saw my clients and she was grateful about how prompt I was. She was sorry that I have to carry those heavy bags and another of her colleagues was also friendly. She helped me carry the items to the office and before you know it, the boss would like to add more stuff for the order. And she was interested with the necklace that I wore, which was loaned by my company of course. I shall be back to their office next week, for more of their requests.

And another thing... I was a bit concern about someone. I just don't want to become marginalized like this person's pasts. There was fire, and then it felt as though it's doused by rain. Maybe I was also too tired and it's taking a toll to my sanity. I need to go back and focus on God again. I cannot be blurred by the blessings that I got and forgetting God. I can feel its emptiness. I am not meant to be like this. Again bout of fear and weariness clouded me.

Again... I will be okay.

The glass shoes need to be polished...

It's been a month since my last post here. I must say that within this month so many things happen, not just because my work, but everything else too. I can honestly say that I'm being blessed a lot. And yet at the same time, this is no Cinderella tale where as the story book draws to an end it says, "And they lived happily ever after." It saddened me sometimes to realize that I have that illusion in my head.

This coming Wednesday will be my very first month I work for my current place. The working place and the environment is great. I can't complain. Now what I concern the most is to be beneficial to my company. I know that I'm in a learning process still, but time to time again I got intelligence block and verbal diarrhea that hinders me to be the best that I can be. I don't really have any problems with my clients, perhaps only a few occasional nervous wreck and tongue-tied ness. But so far all of them are nice.They may not be diligent with their e-mail replies, but over all they're quite friendly. Either that or I'm too naive to notice that they're just doing their PR session on me. That's another thing. I'm lack of street smarts. No matter how focus I'm trying to be, all I can see is just face value and not the thought behind it. I'm probably the most sincere sales girl you've ever met. As much as I love the thought of getting commission, I would try my best to get a good relationship first. And that may not come hand in hand with the role that I need to play.

Again I also feel the pressure of time. I guess when my friends said that I was having too much time in my hand, this is what they meant. No matter how much time you would like to do that extra stuff with your friends, you have to try to squeeze things into my non-existent agenda. Today I got Monday blues... I was not doing well with my task. Not because I neglected them, but because I was overly cautious that I became reckless. If that even make sense. This would be the second time within 2 weeks. I guess I really have to consult with my boss and hold his hands like a good kindergarten student.

And then yesterday I did something that really make me sad. I didn't hear instruction clearly, hence another wrong conclusion that ended up hurting somebody. Although he's okay with it and even cajoled with me, I was not happy with myself. It ended up making him feel as though I was upset at him when I didn't. I kept on blaming myself and feel as though I need major hearing aid and ADHD pill. Perhaps I do need it. Don't you ever feel that your action is too slow for your brain and another time vice versa?

I guess living in Cinderella palace starting to catch up with reality. I'm praying to God that in everything I would not want to tarnish His image with my shortcomings. Lord, help me...