Creature of Comfort is looking for Utopia
As I ponder into a lot of things that’s happening lately, I can’t even begin to think what would I do if I don’t have Christ in my life. Truthfully, I’m a “worry-er”, not a warrior, as I would like to be. I have to admit, I am still worried, although I know that in God everything is OK. I think that’s my weakness. My faith is not as big as mustard seed (I almost typed sesame seed, hehehe), but I believe that even a microbe can grow into something of a big pandemic; pardon the bad analogy. I guess, I have to conquer my fear of the unknown. Especially in this time of uncertainty.
It’s a volatile time. It’s the end of time. I just called my aunt in US today. She said that the economy really was not doing too well and she witnessed first hand that housing prices had gone down so low, and some of the developers had to claim bankruptcy due to nobody can pay or buy the housing complex that they built. The rows of beautiful Americana suburban became a ghost town, being replaced by unkempt tall grasses, moth and dust. The face of the news always emboldened the negative headliner that saying, pretty much, brace up for recession. One of our accounts was affected as Washington Mutual went up for sale. Good thing it’s not a major account that was parked in there. All is taken care of.
As some of you might already know, I already started putting my resume back up online, hoping for a better opportunity out there. I already even tol my colleague, and she also said that if I do find better opportunity, I better make my move.
I became more and more restless. I am a creature of comfort. Mixed that with an idealist and creative personality (meaning: can’t take criticism well). I feel like I’m having a bad mix in my gene. I felt I don’t suit well in the working world. But I have to be able to support myself. And I’m losing my grip in my workplace. As of now, it may not be the most stressful place to work in (I can post blogs within the same week, duh?), because all the clients are sated and got nothing to give us. I’m just worried when that wave of works started pouring in and most likely I don’t really know what to do. So many people would like to assume the job and yet telling me that I’m the project manager. Without any solid direction, I found myself becoming redundant and lost. I have to report to my boss’ boss (since my boss quitted), but now, it seems that she’s expecting me to come up with something, even if there’s nothing to report. I don’t know why would that be important. I guess, I don’t really have a good “chemistry” with her or something and with the whole no solid direction as whom I should be answering to, or who is the leading project manager in a lot of things, I became more and more stressed. I stuck in the middle of a lot of ding-dong-ings and sometimes bad decisions by either my ‘seniors’ or clients, and never a solid yes or no. And yet when I made my decision on certain things, it may not be the right thing. I don’t like negotiation, I guess. And I don’t like being kept in the confusion. I’m tired to the point of being tired of people. These people don’t really know what they want, and how am I suppose to know what do you want? I have other interesting things to do (at least for me) than to just baby-sit these people. But babysitting pays, and my interests don’t. Such a life.
Sometimes I wonder if working makes people sour. You got sucked in by all these ridiculousness of other people’s trash and before you know it, you are just another lost soul. Embittered and hopeless.
Through it all, though… I heard a comment of encouragement from my aunt, as I talked to her on the phone few days ago. She told me that unlike my mom, my sis or even the rest of my mom’s clan (which I’m closest and grew up with), I am the gutsiest. I would go out there show my face to the world and took the challenges, and come what may. I went to job interviews, get a real job. Although, I found it laughable when I can’t even be satisfied and holding on to a job for longer than one year. And then again, all of my relatives are housewives. I grew up within that perception and I’m by no mean ambitious, or at least I’m not the corporate ladder climber type. I’m the type that likes to walk straight from sunshine to sunset and smelling the roses as I go along. I told my aunt, that perhaps I’m the one that usually don’t really think, I just go head first, consequences later. I’m a person that thinks with my heart and not my head, so there you go. So when things get awry, people just gone nasty or boring with me, or when people trying to say that business is not personal, well, dude it doesn’t work like that with me. Everything is personal. I built relationships only to be messed up by my teammates and I lost my credibility to both my client and boss (especially when ‘boss’ forgot when I didn’t have any contribution to the fault). I got hurt in the process that as I visit my client, I have to put on a mentality that they will be snickering at me as I left their office. And I can't get mad by my team mates as well. Since they also became my friends too... *SIGH*
I would like to be optimistic to my upcoming new opportunity. I have to believe that I will stay for such a period of time, earning my living and at the same time not loosing myself. With God all things are possible.
I cried out of frustration the other day. I felt stifled. Stuck. I can’t even spread my own wings, because that doesn’t put money in the bank or bread on the table. I still need to chat with God to know why am I built this way. Why can’t I be more resilient and boring, so I can be neutral like the rest of these people. One think that made me glad that I’m not such is because that’s how I met my husband and not stuck to the commonality of society perception to settle down. But how I paid the price of waiting so long to do so. Hopefully finding what I would be with my life won’t take too long. Either that or pray to God to come and rapture both me and my husband, hehehe. Such a creature of comfort.
I know that the best is yet to come. Amen.
It’s a volatile time. It’s the end of time. I just called my aunt in US today. She said that the economy really was not doing too well and she witnessed first hand that housing prices had gone down so low, and some of the developers had to claim bankruptcy due to nobody can pay or buy the housing complex that they built. The rows of beautiful Americana suburban became a ghost town, being replaced by unkempt tall grasses, moth and dust. The face of the news always emboldened the negative headliner that saying, pretty much, brace up for recession. One of our accounts was affected as Washington Mutual went up for sale. Good thing it’s not a major account that was parked in there. All is taken care of.
As some of you might already know, I already started putting my resume back up online, hoping for a better opportunity out there. I already even tol my colleague, and she also said that if I do find better opportunity, I better make my move.
I became more and more restless. I am a creature of comfort. Mixed that with an idealist and creative personality (meaning: can’t take criticism well). I feel like I’m having a bad mix in my gene. I felt I don’t suit well in the working world. But I have to be able to support myself. And I’m losing my grip in my workplace. As of now, it may not be the most stressful place to work in (I can post blogs within the same week, duh?), because all the clients are sated and got nothing to give us. I’m just worried when that wave of works started pouring in and most likely I don’t really know what to do. So many people would like to assume the job and yet telling me that I’m the project manager. Without any solid direction, I found myself becoming redundant and lost. I have to report to my boss’ boss (since my boss quitted), but now, it seems that she’s expecting me to come up with something, even if there’s nothing to report. I don’t know why would that be important. I guess, I don’t really have a good “chemistry” with her or something and with the whole no solid direction as whom I should be answering to, or who is the leading project manager in a lot of things, I became more and more stressed. I stuck in the middle of a lot of ding-dong-ings and sometimes bad decisions by either my ‘seniors’ or clients, and never a solid yes or no. And yet when I made my decision on certain things, it may not be the right thing. I don’t like negotiation, I guess. And I don’t like being kept in the confusion. I’m tired to the point of being tired of people. These people don’t really know what they want, and how am I suppose to know what do you want? I have other interesting things to do (at least for me) than to just baby-sit these people. But babysitting pays, and my interests don’t. Such a life.
Sometimes I wonder if working makes people sour. You got sucked in by all these ridiculousness of other people’s trash and before you know it, you are just another lost soul. Embittered and hopeless.
Through it all, though… I heard a comment of encouragement from my aunt, as I talked to her on the phone few days ago. She told me that unlike my mom, my sis or even the rest of my mom’s clan (which I’m closest and grew up with), I am the gutsiest. I would go out there show my face to the world and took the challenges, and come what may. I went to job interviews, get a real job. Although, I found it laughable when I can’t even be satisfied and holding on to a job for longer than one year. And then again, all of my relatives are housewives. I grew up within that perception and I’m by no mean ambitious, or at least I’m not the corporate ladder climber type. I’m the type that likes to walk straight from sunshine to sunset and smelling the roses as I go along. I told my aunt, that perhaps I’m the one that usually don’t really think, I just go head first, consequences later. I’m a person that thinks with my heart and not my head, so there you go. So when things get awry, people just gone nasty or boring with me, or when people trying to say that business is not personal, well, dude it doesn’t work like that with me. Everything is personal. I built relationships only to be messed up by my teammates and I lost my credibility to both my client and boss (especially when ‘boss’ forgot when I didn’t have any contribution to the fault). I got hurt in the process that as I visit my client, I have to put on a mentality that they will be snickering at me as I left their office. And I can't get mad by my team mates as well. Since they also became my friends too... *SIGH*
I would like to be optimistic to my upcoming new opportunity. I have to believe that I will stay for such a period of time, earning my living and at the same time not loosing myself. With God all things are possible.
I cried out of frustration the other day. I felt stifled. Stuck. I can’t even spread my own wings, because that doesn’t put money in the bank or bread on the table. I still need to chat with God to know why am I built this way. Why can’t I be more resilient and boring, so I can be neutral like the rest of these people. One think that made me glad that I’m not such is because that’s how I met my husband and not stuck to the commonality of society perception to settle down. But how I paid the price of waiting so long to do so. Hopefully finding what I would be with my life won’t take too long. Either that or pray to God to come and rapture both me and my husband, hehehe. Such a creature of comfort.
I know that the best is yet to come. Amen.
posted by God's Grace | 1:02 PM
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