Boredom

The busy-ness of the conference had died down for a month now. And as much as I don't mind meeting new people, some people are just not worth to see again after you make their acquaintance. I think I have to say that I'm a very gifted debutante. Once 'special' people left the door, s/he will not see my invitation again.

I still have not found my niche, may it be working from home or working at an office. I ended up missing what the other can offer.

Yesterday, I was very tired due to the horrid humid and hot weather. It just sapped the strength out of you. And it had been a long day. Aside from a very good sermon at New Creation Church, I was beat. And it showed on my face and my physiology. I sounded like Paula Abdul on Coke (the soda). I made silly comments to my husband's partners and I felt bad about it. I wasn't even realizing it when it happen. Only at night when we recap on what's going on the day, he asked me why my replies were weird and don't make sense... There goes my 'debutante' status. Maybe I can still fit, the ones that were heavily boozed up.

I was feeling heavy about my life journey... Or shall I say my working life journey. I am easily bored and unmotivated. In a sense God gave me a better solutions in my current state. Lighter work hours and more freedom by working from home. But of course, one thing that I want the most is not there. Freedom. I was trying to say that to Jon's partners yesterday, but instead mumbles came out from my mouth. I can be your good host, carry myself well, socialize here and there, but don't ask me if I want to spearhead a rubber hose company. So boring. I ended up mumbling something alongside of being an artist and what not. I don't mind embarassing myself, since I've done it before, but I don't want to make my husband feel bad about it. I feel like a dumb ditsy blonde.

I love to read, and I like to learn new things too... But sad thing is none of these pay. I love to draw and design, but I feel that my ability is just so-so. I love to sing and perform, although I don't love the bohemian lifestyle that ensued. I love to perform for church function, but since my husband rubbed some cliques the wrong way, I guess I have to kiss that goodbye also. I don't blame Jon. He's a part of me, and what makes him happy it's like a surge of endorphine on my system also. It's just that once in awhile, my feelings just doesn't want to agree.

Am I a true artist? Or still dazed and confused in my own fairy tale reality? I still feel like a little girl trapped in a mature world. I felt like I don't know anything, and yet, I do know something, that I'm not that bad. I'm not so helpless. I just want my freedom. But I guess this can only happen on the next life. Not here.