Where to go?

I guess the honeymoon period is over. I wonder what sort of person I am sometimes. Can I tackle all these things and see it through? I have a tendency to want to please people. And the sucky thing about it was, you can't do that without your own sanity being compromised. Often I wonder, am I suited in this part of the world?

I must admit that because of the new level of busy-ness in my life, my devotional time got cut short. It only left with short prayers here and there, because everything else being absorbed into doing, what's amounting to be nothing. I can't complain about my current company, because compared to the previous one, this one is very "walk in the park". Hence, it makes me wonder, do I fit in this lifestyle?

So far I felt like I botched all the deals with the nice clients, while not having a good time with the mean ones. And I'm afraid of facing these people. I felt as though I'm failing them. And I tend to hide and run away from all these.

I know that I'm not mediocre, but I'm handicapped in reading situations, and I got too many warning bells ringing on my brains, and sometimes because of fatigue, I missed the small things. And that small things, like the virus, became malignant.

I missed those days where I can just take a deep breath and see the mountains with their pine trees and cool weather. I missed the smell of the fresh air, and slightly misted-dew dropped ground. So peaceful there. Maybe that's why when I was looking around for houses with Jon, I always attracted with the ones that have many trees. I'm still an Oregonian at heart. I need my 'hashis'... Joking.

My current boss, who is leaving the company in late March, gave me a prediction, that I will be leaving the company by the end of the year. In a way, I read it as a challenge whether I'm going to stick it long enough to stay, or he's just being honest. Truthfully, if I have my way, I would like to continue my dream as a designer. Even as I serviced my clients right now, I can't help but feel that I'm being enclosed. Entrapped by the lack of EQ that I felt of gaining since I dealt with so many weird souls. All I need to understand now is that I can't be too nice to people or they will take advantage of you. Yes, you're giving them good service, but you must be able to be mean to them if you have to. I've been nice to the wrong crowds.

I'm by all means, lack of pretentions, I'm the way I am, I can't keep my emotions hidden, I don't play politics, and I'm nice when you are too. I'm fragile with my feelings. I'm educated and clever in learned things and yet I'm simple and not smart with reality. Sometimes I wonder what's the importance of education when they're not teaching you how to deal with people, which is the most essential thing? People is the most complicated puzzle I ever met. Who can I trust now, when my own self confidence is hanging on a thin line?

Where to go from here?