All By Myself

Today was not my day. I tried so hard to be happy and be smiling from ear to ear. But those smiles are empty. Yeah, a good way to bless people, huh? I tried to greet people, but none answered, not a great morning. And you know what, when you fall, you just keep on rolling down. I was way too early to the office. Almost half an hour too early, so I checked my e-mail. Lo and behold, it’s empty… EMPTY!!! Not even a single junk mail. What the heck? Is this some “Let’s avoid Anne’s Day?” Yup it’s one of those days.

Things picked up a bit, because the hustle and bustle of office work took away my self-pity. Yeah… I really need some calories, hahaha. I ain’t a coffee drinker, so to keep me awake usually I eat. My colleagues are nice, but just like Ai Pei said… I don’t really have communistry with them. Considering some of them are Indonesians too. We always hung out at the closest hawker place near the office that even the tea stall uncle memorized our order already. “Teh peng…? (Iced milk tea)”

And I noticed something else in our behavior. We got lots of silent moments. I remembered when during Hope caregroup we talked about silence and yet is still praising… well, this ain’t the case. It was so awkward; I’d rather go back to my office and stared at the computer. It’s so empty. They’re trying to include me inside their little group, but lately I’ve been in a comfy zone of being around Christians, I’m hesitating. God what can I do? I hung out with these people too, in America. How do I show them about Him, without “in your face!” attitude? Everybody is tired, I think it’s not just physically, but on the inside too. And usually in this situation, God seem redundant. I’m battling with my own will, myself. What if, I’m not being a good example? Won’t it just mar His image? Some of them would really try to fit me into their atmosphere. God, why can’t I return the favor? I should get out of my exclusivity mentality and started blending in again.

But yeah, I’ve experienced this before… To be honest, my friend… If you’re far away from God, although people surround you, it’s a tiring and lonely world.